Effing Dykes Gifts: Exactly What Lies Below (The Woman Nails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

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Hiya lezzers!

I got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the friend. Every person got your buddy? Good. Hang on tight towards buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this will be a real story.

Ahem.

A Long Time Ago, as I was actually so freshly gay I Did Not know I Became newly gay…

An meet older lesbians at now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was completely only truth be told there to boogie)


provided me with some information:

1)


Never ever start a joint bank checking account together with your partner



2)


Don’t fake orgasms



3)


Be certain that a female’s fingernails tend to be thoroughly clean.

The wise lesbian was in the woman late 40’s, an age bracket to date from the my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t also envision what it need to be like to be very ancient.

Just how sad, I Was Thinking. Here this woman is at a bar and she is outdated. I am hoping I don’t become depressed like their.

Actually it enjoyable to-be the middle of your personal market?

Exactly what just a little shit I found myself.

For whatever reason, though, I was presented with from

Za’s


that night saying her three policies to myself personally.

As I woke up, I was thinking of these.

It actually was similar to in The sterling silver seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are recharged by Aslan to keep in mind The indicators.


Never become that you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a-year.

In any event! throughout the years, i usually recalled the three existence classes the lesbian had instructed myself. Her information made sense.

I never ever opened a combined bank checking account with anyone.

We never faked sexual climaxes again following the first couple of instances used to do it, recognizing I was, actually, dooming me to a continuous cycle of shitty intercourse by fulfilling bad performance using my cries of “ecstasy.”

And that I constantly secretly examined a lady’s nails before we slept along with her.

Brief? Check.

No abrasive borders? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It Really Is go time.

But why, sluts?


What is the big issue about nails?


What is actually while using the short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?

After all, alright, I have it. Its tougher to shag with long nails. You might perhaps puncture a lung or something.

But it is perhaps not impossible. I have had long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all those things tough — you only remember to use the pads of one’s hands.

So why was actually that lesbian so emphatic about clean fingernails?

You guys, she was



SO. EMPHATIC.

I decided to complete some debunking.

Without doubt absolutely nothing could really happen to you should you decide had gotten screwed by some body with filthy nails.

Immediately after which I remembered an account thus horrible I would nearly forgotten it.

Homos.

Bad crap sometimes happens.

This scary story comes to united states due to my good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” that observed even more snatch in heat than a kitty center on 100 % free Spay time.

Ok.

Cai


was in Miami whenever she came across a tremendously hot femme we are going to contact


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose cookies cooking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had gigantic silver hoops that shimmered for the light, in addition to had one of the best asses


Cai


had previously seen.

She covertly texted me a picture of

Katie

in the share so she could brag, and I texted straight back,


“i’d hit that till my hand dropped down.”

Thus, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that evening. There were some serious consuming.

While getting undressed


Katie


when you look at the half-light,


Cai


watched something she hadn’t really seen prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

In fact,




Katie




had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot stop the mental picture of the fingernails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


even let

Katie


screw their, though she typically never lets anybody do that. What the hell, she thought. Going home the next day. Never see this girl once again. I’m able to get topped for a night.

Let us fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Something had been incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”

Really, really incorrect. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things was actually oozing from it. So when I state some i am talking about exorbitant. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is really what friendship is all about, when she told me, we mentioned,


“and that means you finally got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went house, googled “the clap” and became believing that she did, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time previously


(she was 28),


to the queer-friendly community gyno clinic.

They don’t understand what ended up being completely wrong along with her.

They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai


was a student in some discomfort. She needed answers. She was placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much 30 days today.

So they really provided her an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FOUND.

Vaginal rips. Throughout the within the woman vag.

Lots and lots of tears.

Cai


was basically torn to shreds. The woman insides had been holding in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe-paper birthday decorations within.

And every little thing – every last inches – was infected.

It would appear that when Katie made use of her fabulous long nails giving

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her fingernails had been also a festering reproduction soil for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Cool.

Cai


states were a stone-cold leading since that time.

My companion wikipedia says you will get unpleasant infections from filthy nails. It seems that, you can find often staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, which could result in such a thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna state.

That wise lesbian was actually spot-on together with her life classes.

Never ever start a combined checking account along with your lover.

Never phony sexual climaxes.

And holy mommy of god, check-out a fresh key’s nails before screwing.

Or perhaps you are destined to endure the destiny of Cai.

THE END

I Must ask yourself, though…

Have any of y’all ever before gotten any such thing awful from another women’s hands?

Or heard about somebody who did?

Or is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan misconception?

My hands tend to be inching towards the travel-sized Purell container.

Now I need answers.